Today I learned something I already knew.
There are things you know in the academic sense and may even pass on to others in the purest sincerity. They are smart things, and you truly believe in them. Then there are those moments of clarity in which you find yourself not only knowing it, but slam-dunked headfirst right into the pit of it and you really see what you have been saying all along.
Today I had to break up with a person I just began seeing, and in my heart of hearts I hate to see her go. This was my first real dating attempt, my first genuine interest-with-potential, since my split with my partner of five years before.
Don’t scoff at my five years, that’s more like 15 in Blue years!
Anyway, I had gotten to that infamous point where you say “I’m done, I now commit my time to developing into the best crazy cat lady I can be!” and throw in the towel.
The only detail I will give on my reason for the split was communication-related incompatibility. I am too direct and she isn’t direct enough, we said.
The cardinal rule I broke: No matter how great you think someone is, no matter how much you care for them, you have to look at who you become in their presence. If you become you’re worst features in their presence, or become something you never wanted to be, and you can’t fix it, it’s time to go.
In this situation I became the Power Problem Solver Clinger Enabler Binge Eating Lady. Not okay. If I become that person long enough I become Constantly Sick and Bitchy Fight Picking Abusive Lady, and that is neither okay with me nor with the Power Above, so I called it quits. In this second half of my life, I have to break the cycles I have perpetuated in different manifestations all throughout the first half, alternating between the bully and the victim, the dependent and the enabler. I am claiming my right to have a good time and be successful and establish my own rules of life.
I did email her and tell her I call this proof of incompatibility, and that I hoped we could establish a friendship in the future. She said to call it whatever I want, and that it was not likely to happen.
And so it goes.